Venice Beach, CA – As the sun sets over the green palms of the tourist-ridden basketball
courts of Venice Beach, any observer with a sharp eye can notice one player lagging behind his
team, running with the ample gait of a recovering scoliosis patient. Robert Johnson, 27, has been playing pickup basketball for nearly his entire sneakerhead career. Ever since Johnson purchased DS Air Jordan 1s allegedly, in the “Court Purple” colorway, he has adamantly
refused to play defense actively.
Teammate and former friend of Johnson, Rodney Lee, commented on the active situation, saying: “He refuses to play any position other than point guard, and when he actually gets the ball he either takes the three even if he’s six feet back, or just pivots until one of us literally has to grab the ball from his hands. Us. His teammates. One time, some kid we were playing just barely scuffed the midsole of those dumbass purple shoes, and he nearly punted the ball halfway to Compton.” Lee’s feud with Johnson over the still un-creased Jordans has not been one-sided, as Johnson avidly defends his lack of physical defense. In one incident, a member of the Deadstock Report team caught him describing his peculiar straight legged “run” as a parallel to the high-IQ strategies of NBA superstar Lebron James, and in another instance, the fast-paced plays of former three-time NBA MVP all-star Magic Johnson. After a respectable period, the Deadstock Report team has notified Johnson of the multiple products available for less than ten dollars that protect creases on Jordans, though there has been no response yet.