Fri. Jun 5th, 2020
workplace flex

The Buyer’s Guide to Flexing in the Workplace

For better and for worse, in today’s climate playing it safe is going to be your best bet. Nobody gets that as well as the 9-to-5 weekday warrior. You, the cubicle king, likely reading this under the tepid yellow glow of fluorescent tube lights, have resigned—whether you admit it or not—to 5-day slogs of chino-wearing, shirt-buttoning keyboard-clicking monotony.

But what if we told you your Monday-to-Friday work life doesn’t have to be a living embodiment of the color beige? Read on to see how a few subtle accessories can turn your office beige into office off-white, and have you flexing on Marcus from Accounting without your fit getting flamed by HR.

Off-White Silver Binder Clip Keychain

retail: $100

We get it. We have to hand our bosses stacks of paper that get thrown in the garbage too. Paperclips? Not an option when you’re serious about printing that 109-slide PowerPoint. Black binder clips? How blasé. Rainbow binder clips? Please, you’re a professional, collate your papers as such. Virgil has taken the age-old advice for office attire and masterfully applied that to office supplies — this is the binder clip for the job you want to have. Just be careful not to get all this drip on your hourly timesheets.

Bonus: Unlike tacky disposable binder clips, this one gives you the perfect opportunity to double that critical amount of face time with your boss when you go explain why you need to get it back from them.    

D’heygere x Bic Silver & White Bic Edition Pen Keychain

retail: $305

Montblanc? More like Mont-bleh. The only thing more timeless than a clickable pen? A 4-color clickable pen — one color for every day of overtime you need just to afford this objet d’art. Gone are the days of tactless coworkers thinking they can lean over and ask to borrow your Bic. Weed through the water cooler politics and find out who your real cubicle-mates are when they come asking for your ~D’heygere~ by name. In a partnership to define paperwork signatures for the ages, D’heygere and Bic have created a pen mightier than any sword.

Bonus: The lightweight all-plastic build and quad-color clickability aren’t the only functional highlights of this weekday warrior’s weapon of choice. The lanyard clasp will ensure that, long after the fluorescent lights above your cubicle have shut off, this editorial investment stays by your side, whether clipped to your Kenneth Cole laptop bag or the belt loop of your Casual Friday favorites: those deep-dyed indigo Levi’s.        

Affix Orange Troika Edition Architectural Multi-Tool Ballpoint Pen

retail: $90

For the discerning contractor, carpenter or architect, stand out from your coworkers with a pen/level/screwdriver all-in-one that’s so bright it’ll never get lost on your desk. It’s even got inches and centimeters, so throw your pocket protector on and pop this bad boy in there before you jet-set to your next exotic construction gig.

Bonus: Use the level on the pen for perfect alignment of that sweet Supreme sticker you’ve been waiting to slap on your laptop  

Heron Preston Orange Packing Tape

retail: $85

Duct tape is great, but sometimes you don’t need something so intense. Bring this to work instead so you don’t look like the weirdo who carries duct tape everywhere. Make sure to practice your taping, though, as this unmissable tone of orange guarantees everyone at work will know who sealed up those boxes.

Bonus: your office’s maintenance crew, who usually handles all the taping, will have a newfound respect for you when they find out you care enough to drop $70 on tape

Off-White Quote Key Holder

retail: $165

If you’re spending $165 on a keychain, we know you’re a hard worker who thinks twice before spending a dollar of that hard-earned paycheck. So, odds are your day is busy enough, you don’t have time to remember what is and isn’t your keychain. Thankfully, Virgil has you covered.

Bonus: Need a co-worker to grab your keys for you, but they’re getting confused when you keep saying it’s the “keychain” keychain? Just tell them it’s the one with the quotation marks — they’re sure to recognize your elevated fashion sensibilities now.  

Beams x Ziploc Fanny Pack

retail: $140

Reusable bags are the ultimate eco-flex. Brown paper sacks are a significant step up from plastic when it comes to helping the Earth with biodegradable lunch transportation, but you’re probably tired of accidentally grabbing your Jil Sander, Loewe or Comme des Garçons instead of your lunch when running out the door in the morning. Nobody gets that better than Japanese fashion label Beams, who is here to to recycle your lunch break into yet another office flex opportunity. Normally, you’d probably never think to wash out and reuse your Ziploc lunch baggies, but we have a feeling you’ll think twice before sending this one to the landfill.

Bonus: Everyone at the office complimenting your environmental consciousness? Turn that money you’re saving on disposable lunch bags into office-place happiness and pick up the Beams x Ziploc backpack to bring lunch for the whole team!

Extra — Supreme Swingline Stapler

retail: who cares resell lit

Only a rumor for now, this desk essential is a no-brainer for anyone with hopes of “making it” in the white-collar workforce. Red from every angle with a full-sized “Supreme” written across the top, it’s a collector’s dream and, better yet, you won’t have anyone asking where you got your stapler from anymore. Spice up that 9-to-5 with the daily thrill of wondering if your stapler will still be on your desk every morning. Supreme has done it again, breathing life into the mundane with its daring design choices and a little pinch of magic. Keep your eyes peeled every single Thursday for the rest of the spring and summer, because when it comes to the office desk-scape, Supreme’s take on the classic Swingline is sure to be a staple.

Bonus: A stapler of this calibre deserves to be treated as such. Swing over to Amazon and pick yourself up the only staples you should be filling this accessory with while they’re still an easy manual cop.